“There is good in all people, but not all people lead good lives. There are people who lie and cheat and abuse others.”
—Rev. Alden, Little House on the Prairie
When Cain was born, his mother, Eve, said, “I have gotten a man from the Lord.” (Genesis 4:1 King James). Caregivers who raise cainistic children have the corner on that attitude. They overindulge the child who, in turn, grows up to think he is special—God incarnate.
Advancing into adulthood, this privileged child assumes that everyone will still adore, admire, applaud, praise, and worship him regardless of his ability. The world is his Eve, his Enabler. Unfortunately, other adults with whom he interacts, do not realize that they are conscripted to speak positively about him, to spread his ideas as gospel, and to baptize him with compliments both privately and publically. Others must fade into the shadows, so Cain can always step into the limelight. In short, they must idolize him as his parents did.
Research shows that kids, who grow into cainistic adults, often had at least one cainistic parent who mollycoddles his child or brags incessantly to convince others that he is a terrific parent. According to Cain, his child will always be in an accelerated class or captain of the football team because Cain has no ordinary kid. And he wants everyone to know that.
If asked, the child might tell a different story, one of feeling smothered, pressured, and abused because there is tremendous pressure on these kids to be an impressive reflection for the parent. These kids explains Dr. Elan Golomb, author of Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self, (1992)[i] are “raised up or cast down by the ever-evaluating parent, and feel themselves to be less than nothing because they must ‘be’ something to earn their parents’ love.”
They create a false self to survive. That is the making of a cainist.
Charisma
Charisma is Cain’s lure. He is charming, trendy, persuasive, outgoing, well-liked, and admired by a throng of enthusiastic followers. As he makes his regal entrance into any room, he talks with confidence, walks with a jaunty swagger (think of former President George W. Bush), extends a firm, solid handshake while radiating a phony smile from ear to ear. As a businessperson, he exudes an impressive strategic style, not the least of which includes his intelligence and influence. Indeed, he emerges as charismatic, entertaining, and affable with a great sense of humor. He is the picture of perfection. He might be so smooth that friends and relatives think you are distorting his misdeeds and take his side. The cainistic church is filled with dysfunctional members who believe that Cain’s mate is the problem, not him. On a scale of one to ten, he thinks he is a fifteen.
On scrutiny, he is cocky, thin-skinned, arrogant (believes he knows everything, cannot tell him anything), feels entitled to special treatment, and reacts angrily and sadistically to anyone who challenges his actions or authority. If his illusion of superiority goes unrecognized, if he is not center stage, he can alternate into an unparalleled, almost terrorizing and very different person.
An expert on pathology, Robert D. Hare Ph.D. says, Cain exhibits style over substance. Many seem glib, superficial, or excessively charming because they are playacting. In public, he is extremely deferential and polite to preserve the scaffolding of illusion and perfection, careful to let others see only what he wants them to see. He believes he is a nice person most of the time, but his interest in others is pretentious, a mask he wears in public. Within time, his false, magnanimous personality unravels into agitation, grandiosity, self-importance, and callousness.
He is a schemer who handles people like objects at his disposal, dropping them without regret when they are beyond his benefit. Feeling entitled, he employs extreme—sometimes malicious—control, exploitation and aggression to brandish what he wants when he wants it. That is the real Cain. And, sadly, he does not change.
[i] Golomb, Elan. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self.(1992), New York, William Morrow and Company, Inc., p 14.
The Narcissistic Cain and Enabler Complex 