Lack of Empathy for Others

“When a person is solely focused on the pursuit of their own interests, they have all the potential to be unempathic.” —Zero Degrees of Empathy by Simon Baron-Cohen Continue reading “Lack of Empathy for Others”

I Gave You Everything, and Still You Were Empty

1426470_554136038004702_621961254_nDuring a recent book group meeting, we discussed the extremes in personalities and behavior between two sisters, Anna and Maria, portrayed in the book The Island by author Victoria Hislop. The sisters were as different as night and day; Anna, beautiful and selfish; Maria, obedient and compassionate. One group member remarked that one family would never find two siblings with such diverse scruples and values raised in the same household.

Knowing about the current neuroscience of cainism, I totally disagree. For the record, the infamous, serial killer Ted Bundy had four siblings, whom he spent much of his time babysitting. All of which leaves me wondering how they might have been emotionally terrorized by him. They were sitting pigeons for his low-to-no levels of empathy, manipulation and lack of conscience and remorse.

In the book, The Island, the younger daughter, Maria, remained a caring daughter to her kind, generous father after the girls’ mother was sent to a leper colony in Greece and later died. But the oldest daughter, Anna was contrary and self-absorbed throughout her childhood and grew into a cold, deceitful woman. These sisters grew up in the same household, raised by the same doting father, yet, their personalities were the difference between evil and sainthood.

Over the last two decades, neuroscience and genetics have shown that on some level cainists are born the way they are. They possess low levels of empathy, if they feel anything at all. Cainists don’t respond to normal childhood experiences in a normal way. At the same time, Enablers are born with an excessive empathy gene, indomitable hope and helpfulness. The difference? She is able to learn from experiences and manage her behaviors. She needs to scale down her compassion if it prevents her from enjoying a life of her own.

For instance, Maria, refused to marry someone she loved deeply because it would take her far from her father who she felt needed her, especially after the death of his wife by leprosy. Most Enablers automatically understand that depth of compassion. A cainist would never give up his own life for the benefit of another. He might arrange it to “look” that way, but it will always be under his terms and conditions, and it simply doesn’t matter if it is the best for the person in need.

In the opposite direction, the older sister, Anna, rarely found time to visit her loving father. It was an inconvenience. She seemed to give him little thought, engaged in an extramarital affair, focused on her own pleasure. Although The Island was a fictional, historical novel, it delineated the Cain and Enabler Complex precisely. The uncaring cainist (Anna) and the overly compassionate Enabler (Maria.)

When a parent has a cainistic child whose brain is neurologically deficient at birth, it can be extremely hard to ascertain whether he’s experiencing normal jealousy over the birth of a new baby brother or sister, but within time the difference is evident; his jealousy and anger fail to dissipate. In fact, he will be angry with all siblings born into the family just because they exist, robbing him of precious parental attention. He will show the same reaction over and over, and hang on to his anger forever. Nothing changes.

As parents try to teach this cainistic child how to nurture and respond with love to his sibling(s), there is a total emotional disconnect based on the neurological defects. He doesn’t “get it.” He doesn’t learn and he doesn’t change. He’s constantly angry and irritated. He might come through under pressure, but he’ll do it with no more emotion than if he were counting jelly beans in a jar. And only if authority is nearby, watching, all the while resenting the forced lesson.

In a recent blog radio show, counselor Jennifer Young at the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction Public Psychopathy Education, explained: “These disorders are indicative of little to no conscience, little to no empathy, little to no emotional depth or insight, and little to no sustaining change. Those parts of the brain are broken. Clearly people without empathy cause dramatic, intense mounts of harm to other people.”

Think about how a normal sibling feels, growing up with a hurtful cainistic sibling. There will never be any depth of caring from this cainistic sibling. Whatever Cain does is based solely on what he wants in the moment, and he will manipulate and control his environment to get it, including all his siblings. For example, he might agree to play Monopoly if his sibling sets up the board game (time consuming job), but when they are finished with the game, he says, “You got it out, you have to put it away.” He’s constantly in control. Nothing will be for the best interest of the sibling over Cain’s interest.

He’s rarely ever cooperative unless it is to look good in front of others and thereby gain something for himself. He loves a doting audience who he has conned into thinking he is kind and cooperative. If the sibling asks or demands that his needs are met, Cain reacts with hostility. If the sibling gets his needs met, Cain makes sure someone pays, most likely in a passive-aggressive way to hide the abuse.

Cainism is not a brain disorder where one can go back and do inner child work or regression therapy and change the personality. It is what it is. Cainists lack the whole emotional range that normal people have at their fingertips, especially the Enabler who is hard-wired with excessive empathy traits. There are no warm fuzzies hidden in Cain’s heart that you will somehow extract by a magic formula, such as, saying the right thing or doing the right thing.

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction Public Psychopathy Education points out that our conscience and our empathy are how we connect with others in the world, how our species has survived all these centuries. Look how people came together after the tragedy of 9/11 to help others in need. As Sandra Brown, M.A. stated during the same blog radio show with Jennifer Young: “Empathy is our humanity. Impulse control is generated from the ability to be empathetic.” Cainists simply don’t have the full emotional spectrum with which to relate.

During Cain’s childhood, it’s a matter of what doesn’t develop in the personality under normal circumstances. His brain is broken. He doesn’t experience normal empathy or compassion. Take this example. A sibling falls and breaks his leg. The only emotion a cainist feels about the incident is that the broken leg robs him of parental time and attention. His emotions consist of jealousy and anger that he’s not center stage. He resents his sibling for existing and doubly so for breaking a leg and needing more parental time. There are no normal feelings of care and concern for his sibling during this difficult time.

You can imagine how this coldness impacts siblings who grow up with Cain. Often they blame themselves (that’s what children do) as if something is wrong with them that their cainistic sibling won’t love them. That is totally wasted effort. That’s why parents need to educate themselves about cainism and then teach other siblings the difference about emotional abilities and reactions and give the normal siblings a strong background in self-worth by praising and noticing their empathetic qualities. Too often parents are afraid of Cain’s anger, dropping the lessons of compassion because they rile Cain, making him impossible to live with.

Unfortunately, this cold, uncaring and selfish behavior of cainism is pervasive and enduring throughout his life which means it affects how the cainist thinks, feels, reacts, and behaves when he turns fifty, sixty, seventy, or eighty-years old. His behavior won’t change because his dysfunctional brain is incapable of learning lessons or connecting with emotions. He will learn what kinds of control methods work or don’t work to get what he wants, but there is no compassion or caring attached to what he learns. He controls his environment to meet his whims at the expense of others.

If parents, themselves, are insecure and looking for their children’s love, they may give in to Cain’s every desire erroneously thinking it will be an exchange for love. But due to his broken brain, Cain is incapable of real love. It won’t happen. He can’t feel things. Some parents spend their entire lifetime trying to get a cainist child to love them and subsequently they allow a terrorist to develop and control the entire family.

So, while a parent is teaching the same lesson to a Cain and an Enabler within the same family under the same roof, there are two very different emotional responses and outcomes. “One of the perils of having a huge heart is that it breaks almost daily.But this is a sad fact with which I have learned to live.” (Harriet in The Invention of Beauty). That quote is something the Enabler knows daily. And one the cainist will never understand.

The diverse characters in the book, The Island, reminded me that cainists are born and incapable of change. So whether it is your parent, sibling, mate or child, stop hoping for change that will never come. It’s a game you can’t win. Instead learn how to deal directly with his manipulations to prevent destruction of the entire family. If it’s an adult relationship, run in the opposite direction as if your shoes are on fire.

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

recoveryIf you’ve been in a cainistic relationship, you have learned the meaning (probably many times over) behind William Shakespeare’s quote, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

Expecting and then receiving empathy, sympathy, support and love from Cain is like donning a pair of cement shoes, jumping into the Hudson River, and waiting for his help when the Enabler starts to sink. He only has thoughts for himself. The Enabler experiences his selfishness time and again, but each time she hopes for a different response only to be disappointed again.

That’s because she is a highly cooperative person with an overly forgiving personality that puts her at high risk for emotional injury by uncaring people, especially cainists who have no shame about continued exploitation as long as they get their needs met.

She doesn’t think like he thinks. She has no desire to make him jumps through hoops of fire like he treats her. Then, she actually forgets how much she’s been hurt by his cruelty and insensitivity from incident to incident and, thereby, gives him second, fourth and fiftieth chances. Due to her trusting nature, she’s wounded over and over. She becomes his scapegoat, and he counts on that. She’s simply far too nice for him.

Then a double whammy occurs when the Enabler finally sees the light, leaves the cainistic relationship, and expects her friends to support her in the aftermath, only to get smacked across the face with a cold, arrogant lecture or exaggerated optimism intended to set her straight and let her know how wrong she is. Didn’t she get enough of that judgment from Cain? Why would she ever continue to accept it from friends during her recovery? The question then becomes: Are they friends?

After being triggered by one of Cain’s ploys to “look good,” I tried to discuss it with a friend. Instead of empathy and understanding, I was told I should be more positive, that I had written positive articles in the past for others and “You seem to be the only one who can’t follow your own advice.” Wow. Bam!

Frankly, I was stunned. Bitter, harsh comments are indicative of a person’s inability to empathize. Telling an Enabler she is wrong about the abuse, after she has been told she is wrong for years, is similar to telling a battered woman to buck up, be more positive, and just forget it. Seriously?

Immediately, I realized this person didn’t understand the Cain and Enabler relationship although I had explained it on several occasions. It is a complicated relationship so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m still baffled why a person who calls herself a friend would automatically take Cain’s side when I tried to share my upset? Her criticism was really no different than all the criticism I’ve taken from Cain for years. One of his main ploys is to take the opposite point of view so he can look right and make the Enabler look wrong…again. But why would a friend do that?

Because she had arbitrarily decided that my recovery was finished, and from here on, my emotions should never again be triggered by anything Cain did. “I just wanted you to look at it another way,” she said, as if she were the expert. The amusing part is that that I was looking at it in a new way. Instead of forgiving it, and thinking I had to go back to it, I had changed. I no longer had to look at it through rose colored glasses and say Oh, that’s OK. Walk on me again. No I was remembering to keep me safe.

The image on the top left of this post portrays the reality of recovery. It’s not a straight line by any means determined by a set number of hours, days, weeks, months or years. Only someone with a low level of understanding could ever think he or she understands the length of recovery for another person? It’s up to every Enabler and determined by the depth of her trauma–how long she was used and abused like an object, and how many times she’s willing to return to it. Being used like an object is an extremely demeaning event. It basically says: You are not a human being. You are in this world to serve my needs, and you should never argue about it.

If the Enabler grew up in a cainistic household, it may take a long time to believe in her truth again–that she is an excessively compassionate, caring person who was used (and put down) for the sole purpose of elevating the self-esteem of a selfish person. And she will continue to be exploited however or whenever Cain sees fit which can be quite infuriating indeed.

Interestingly, an Enabler should never forget the abuse because that is what will keep her from returning to it again. She does not want to live with it every day, but she never wants to forget it. It’s the old saying–never forget history or you’re doomed to repeat it.

The Enabler, like the cainist, is hard-wired with specific personality traits. Cain’s traits are negative and self-absorbed, people unable to feel empathy, while the Enabler’s traits are warm, loving and excessively empathetic. These are not traits changed through six easy steps; they are innate personality traits that one has for a lifetime. For the most part the Enabler is a very loving person who forgets and forgives too quickly and too easily. She has forgiven Cain one too many times already.

That’s because Cain’s mistreatment is concealed, cunning and circuitous, and he goes to great lengths to hide his abuse in public. She always needs to remember the harm so she will not return to it. Each time he contacts her, she must recall all the manipulations of other times where she was drawn in only to be hurt by his low levels of empathy and impulse control.

In the last decade neuroscience has shown that the Enabler’s genetic traits include excessive empathy with high levels of tolerance and a highly cooperative nature. Although her personality traits are excessively positive, they put her at risk for cainists who use and abuse. Sandra Brown, M.A. author of Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists labels them “super traits.”

Cain continually runs “tests” to see how much empathy the Enabler has–before, during and after the relationship. He’s looking for high empathy people who will fill his selfish needs, or if the relationship is over, if he can worm his way back in again. If the empathy response is low, he moves on to someone else because he’s looking for people he can manipulate and who will accept his unacceptable behavior. He plays the empathy card, and if she shows high levels of empathy, he’s sure she will put up with his shenanigans and hopefully give him whatever he wants when he wants it or be intimidated by his anger if she utters that horrible two letter word: no.

Moreover, he targets the Enabler based on her excessive empathy, compassion, helpfulness and high tolerance for bad behavior because these are the areas where he is deficient or wants to gain something. He has no empathy and needs a cover, especially when he has to present himself in public.

It’s extremely difficult for the Enabler not to be helpful. But as Sandra Brown, M.A. points out, at the end of the relationship, Enablers often don’t recognize themselves. Where she was once empathetic, giving, helpful, warm and loving, she is depleted and destroyed by Cain’s constant needs and abuses.

Normal relationships do not cause this level of depletion in another person, points out Sandra Brown and Jennifer Young at the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education, but Cain takes the Enabler down to bare bones by abusing her goodness at every turn. If she tries to get up and feel good about herself, he takes her down again and again. By keeping her down, he thinks he elevates himself. Superiority is the only way he feels good about himself, and he’s incapable of caring whether others feel bad about themselves. He only knows he has more power when they do. Imagine the jealousy he feels over the fact that the Enabler has super traits. That’s just one reason he works so hard to put her down. He must be superior, not her.

Eventually, the Enabler is in the clutches of compassion fatigue and has nothing more to give. Every Enabler who stays in a Cain and Enabler relationship too long understands that statement. Some women have taken four to five years to recover from this devastating relationship.

Those who fail to understand the Cain and Enabler relationship erroneously think that if something bothers you, then you merely change it. But the personality is innate, and the Enabler was born with these excessive, positive traits. Compassion is who she is. She can learn to change her behavior and reactions eventually, but this takes hard work and often much time. It doesn’t happen the minute she steps out of the Cain and Enabler relationship.

In fact, the trauma she suffers during this chaotic and complex relationship actually qualifies her for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) therapy. She can’t sleep or concentrate. She’s always looking for ways to protect herself against harm. She might seem paranoid (although clinically she’s not) because she has been hurt so many times behind her back, and she doesn’t know who she can trust anymore.

Many women literally can’t function when they first leave the relationship because their thought vacillates between believing in someone and distrusting what is said and done. Functional MRI’s now show that she suffers brain changes as a result of the constant emotional trauma and abuse. It takes time to feel safe and to trust that she won’t be manipulated back into a damaging relationship yet again.

The first step for the Enabler is to acknowledge that she has these positive traits. She is not all the negative labels Cain has foisted on her to take her down to the gutter. She must remind herself of this truth every day. Friends who put her down are either extremely insensitive or a cainistic friend she hadn’t identified yet.

Next, she needs to reign in these positive traits and filter where she directs them. She has to stop giving all her
compassion and empathy to Cain. He’s a compulsive liar, and she must accept that. He’s a fraud, and he’s been using her like an object to make himself look good, then putting her down so she won’t think she’s good enough. What a clever but mean trick.

Reigning in her excess compassion is very difficult for the Enabler. It’s her innate desire to be helpful. She feels like a bad person if she doesn’t act on her compassion. She suffers unnecessarily when she refuses to give what he wants. He calls her selfish, and she feels selfish when, in fact, it is Cain who is the excessively selfish one. She has a natural tendency to give more than her share and she gives until she’s a rag doll laying in a heap on the floor.

Finally, she must watch what people say and do and determine if they are trustworthy. Cainists are not. That’s the hardcore truth. The sooner she accepts that fact, the sooner she will get on to a healthier lifestyle. Cainists will use and abuse and walk away in anger when she has nothing more to give him. He’s all about looking good to others and getting what he wants with no boundaries whatsoever. Imagine how the abuse toward the Enabler increases when there is no one around to monitor him, when he doesn’t have someone looking over his shoulder to keep him in line? Shiver. Behind closed doors there are no boundaries and the Enabler is at high risk for whatever he wants to dish out.

She’s afraid if she refuses to give to him, she’ll lose her compassion, but that’s impossible because it’s her innate personality. It’s who she is. Once she heals from this relationship, she will once again be the warm, compassionate giver she was born to be.

Instead, she needs to re-direct her compassion to other areas. Find a cause she is passionate about–helping abused children or animals, painting, traveling, dancing–whatever makes her heart sing–and direct her empathy toward those outlets and not at the cainist who will only use her up and spit her out and move on when she’s depleted. Interestingly, Brown points out that many Enablers are in the helping profession such as doctors, nurses, social workers, counselors, and others who “give” for a living. They are capable, competent women who are emotionally beaten until they don’t recognize themselves any more.

The Cain and Enabler relationship is very complex. She must start to filter out who she will and won’t trust. The next time an alleged friend criticizes her for not having it all together about this unhealthy relationship, maybe it’s time to put that friend on her list of former friends?

Once the Enabler leaves the cainistic relationship, she might need to leave other relationships as well, especially if they continue to support Cain and his behaviors. It’s a grieving process, but if friends are not willing (or able) to empathize with what she’s been through, if they are not willing to support her in her recovery however long that takes, if they are not interested in understanding the devastation she’s been through, she might have to move on without them. She removed herself from one abusive relationship. It makes no sense to keep other abusive relationships in her life. She must weed them out so there is no pollution of criticism in the new life she needs to create. She must replace critical, harsh friendships with positive ones who value her assets and care enough to support her recovery.What she does not need is more criticism from those who call themselves friends.

It’s similar to the drug-addicted lifestyle. Those who come clean can’t hang on to the old friends and remain “sober.” She must watch what people say and do, and then decide if they are for her or against her? She’s been through horrendous criticism with Cain. Now she needs friends who will be kind and gentle and support her. She needs friends who will praise and appreciate her excessive positive traits, and stand beside her during her continued recovery.

If she doesn’t want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, there is another option.
The Enabler might need to realize that she can’t discuss all things with all friends. Some people live with rigid values; they see only black and white and all must abide by their views. Alienated from their own emotions, they are unable to support the Enabler in hers.

If she is certain she can find some aspects of the friendship that bring reward, she might continue with it by setting boundaries and refusing to talk about the Cain and Enabler relationship with certain friends. Perhaps she attends movies or discusses books, sports or crafts, but she never discusses the Cain and Enabler relationship in any form with friends who live in a black and white world.

It might be risky, and it definitely won’t be as intimate as some friendships where the Enabler feels free to discuss whatever is on her heart. But only she can decide whether to save or walk away from a former relationship. Some relationships might be saved even if they aren’t one-hundred percent intimate.

If it brings expectations of heartache, it might be time for a change.

handcuffs

“She didn’t like to be alone. Even more, she didn’t like being with people.” ― Elizabeth Strout, from the novel Olive Kitteridge

Dependency is the cainist’s bugaboo. He lives in a fantasy world where he’s  special to a fault and the Enabler has no value. Yet, he’s dependent on the her to obtain admiration and attention, to pilfer her thoughts and ideas, and to use her as a model or prototype on how to act in public. A sympathetic Enabler has saved a haughty cainist from the gallows more than once. He knows this and loathes it.

His selfishness wears thin over time. One study showed that cainists became unpopular after 7 weeks or after approximately 2.5 hours of contact time. [i] However, that doesn’t stop him from exploiting, devaluing and discarding the Enabler when she is no further use to him.

A cainist will use an Enabler to put him through college, then ditch her when he lands a lucrative job. One cainist, who had trouble keeping a job, remains with an Enabler because she brings home the paycheck, then boasts to everyone that he only has to work part-time and loves it.

There’s little, if any, loyalty from him. Once he’s convinced that he’s too exceptional to remain with a minion, he quickly, and often abruptly, moves on. In romantic affairs, he usually lands someone new before he leaves the previous Enabler because he hates being alone. He’s like a vulture, picking at a carcass for the last remnants, then ditching it when there’s no meat left on the bones.


[1] Why Are Narcissists so Charming at First Sight? Decoding the

Narcissism–Popularity Link at Zero Acquaintance

All About Me, Me, Me, Me

narcissism2Here’s a YouTube animated cartoon talking in full about being a narcissist. It covers all the bases.

Click below:

http://youtu.be/rJP0FUk6oWY

Cainists Fear Being Seen

images (1)I recall several sermons at the cainistic church asking us if we had been seen by someone?  In other words, had anyone looked through our psychological defenses—which the cainist labeled games, jerkiness, costumes, personalities, or facades—and seen that we were more than our bad behavior? And were we capable of looking past a person’s jerkiness to see that everyone was a beautiful child of God at their core?

He talked about feeling unsafe when we were “called out” or seen by another child of God, and claimed that we didn’t want to be seen or live up to our potential. He said the moment we were “called out” it wasn’t so much fun to be the other person, that is, the nasty one. 

Those comments confused me.  I’m not trying to paint myself lily-white, but I find no joy in being nasty. I wanted to be seen as a loving child of God. I wanted to be seen as the person I really was. If we are beautiful children of God, why would we not want others to see our core essence? What was he talking about?

I was confused until I understood the differences between Cain and Enablers. Cain doesn’t want to be seen because he doesn’t want anyone to get close enough to see that he is a pathological liar and a fraud (how he acts every day). Cainists are preoccupied with hiding their flaws because they want to be seen as someone they are not.

In addition, if someone “calls them out” that implies they were imperfect on some level, and that simply can’t happen to Cain. He is perfect.  Everyone must believe that Cain is perfect. That’s why he will never offer a genuine apology. It would require him to say he was wrong, and Cain will never admit to being wrong.

Moreover, it feels unsafe for a cainist to be seen because that would mean he would need to change and take responsibility for his behavior. That will never happen.  Cainists manipulate, lie, taunt, and often feel gleeful about holding clout and misery over others. Any wonder it would feel unsafe to be seen.

In the other direction, if he was seen as a beautiful child of God, he would have to change, give up his malicious, cruel power-hungry games of retribution and control. To be “called out” and seen as a child of God would mean his entire personality and the way he interacts in the world would need to change. He can’t change. He knows he can’t. So he is terrified of being seen. He doesn’t want others to catch on to to his cruelty , and he doesn’t want his feet held to the fire to act like the child of God he was designed to be.

Internally the cainist says:

“Don’t see me as a good person, an impeccable child of God, because I can’t live up to the standard. Nor do I want to.”

He is a mass of contradictions.  He says one thing and does another. He says one thing one day and the opposite the next day. And after you watch him repeat the same inconsistent behavior year after year, you realize there is no hope for change. You must release him and let him go. You can love someone from afar but it doesn’t mean you invite them over for Easter dinner. Or that you spend the rest of your life with someone who is incapable of being honest.

The Golden Child and His Scapegoat

NPD family

“I will tell my daughter what a teacher once told me: she who walks through poopies gets poopies stuck to her. Narcissistic people cut a wide, messy swath. Helping her keep her shoes clean is going to be a mighty task”. ~Shawn T. Smith

Interestingly, in the Bible, a goat was considered a scapegoat after the Jewish priest symbolically placed the sins of the people onto the goat and sent it into the wilderness (Lev. 16). Nowadays we think of a scapegoat as a person or group who takes the blame for others. There is always one or more scapegoats in a cainistic home, taking the blame for Cain so he can appear perfect and without fault.

Sometimes the cainist in the family is one of the children. He is granted special privileges as long as he does what the self-absorbed parent wants. What’s more, the entire family is taught to cater to this cainistic child, sometimes referred to as the Golden Child.

By being placed on a pedestal by the entire family, this privileged child identifies with his exceptional status and believes that the entire world must accommodate him. Nothing is too good for him. All his faults are either ignored or blamed on the scapegoat(s) in the family.

A 1994 episode of the sitcom Friends is a perfect example of this “Golden Child” and scapegoat pattern. Monica invites her parents, Judith and Jack Geller, and her brother Ross for dinner. When she tells her mother, Judith, that she’s making spaghetti, her mother whispers under her breath, “Well, that’s easy.”

As they sit at the dinner table eating, Judith Geller continues to criticize everything about Monica. Ross has some bad news to share with his parents but procrastinates, fearing his parents’ disapproval.

For a brief moment, it appears that Monica’s Dad, Jack, might come to his daughter’s defense when he says, “Don’t listen to your mother. You’re independent and you always have been.” But then he continues. “Even when you were a kid, and you were chubby and you had no friends, you were just fine!”

In the next breath, he begins praising Ross while continuing to disparage Monica. “There are people, like Ross, who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are. I’m telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. They’re happy with what they have, they’re basically content, like… cows.”

Monica pulls Ross aside and begs him to share his downbeat information which, she hopes, might take the negative attention off her. Finally Ross blurts out his distressing news, telling his parents that his ex-wife, Carol, is a lesbian, living with her girlfriend, pregnant with his child, but plans to give the baby her lesbian lover’s last  name.

Both parents stare at each other in disbelief. Then Judith Geller turns to Monica and spats:

“And you knew about this.”

This is all very funny in a sitcom, but that is precisely how it plays out in a cainistic home with the Golden Child and the scapegoat. Even when the favored child is knee deep in error, he can do no wrong and the scapegoat can do no right.

Not only is the scapegoat blamed for the Golden Child’s problem, but the former is treated as if she has no needs and often given the role of care giving (without realizing that is the role she assumes to receive love).  Monica was the one fixing dinner and the rest of the family merely needed to show up. Monica was seen as having no needs even when she was fat and had no friends.

Understandably, the Golden Child favors the doting cainistic parent, and the scapegoat, who is blamed for everything, is fearful of both the Golden Child and the self-absorbed parent and becomes the Enabler in an attempt to ward off as much abuse as possible.

This lopsided treatment toward children creates jealousy, envy, and hostility between the siblings. Indeed, Cain has been known to purposely cultivate the rift between the siblings through this favoritism and unfairness so he (the cainistic parent ) can hide behind the Golden Child who abuses the scapegoat. This cheats the scapegoated child from knowing herself and also sets her up to think she deserves abuse in adulthood.