Understanding the self-absorbed, demeaning, manipulative, controlling, and competitive narcissist and how to stop being a do-gooder and losing yourself…aligned with the Biblical Cain and Abel story

Posts tagged ‘pain’

Don’t Expect Compliments

1girl18-medCain watches you like a hawk so he knows what you like and what you don’t like, what brings you pain and what brings you pleasure. At first it’s flattering to think Cain is keenly interested in you, but it is not attentiveness born out of a genuine concern. It’s intended to psych you out. That is how he survives, using the information to manipulate or punish you to get what he wants. He is forever a gatherer of information which he later uses against you.

Furthermore if you’re waiting for a compliment from Cain, you’ll wait forever. He only compliments you if it makes him look good in front of others. Moreover, his radar is keen when he senses you want a compliment, but, again, he will  never give you a compliment if he thinks you are looking for one.

Take this example. You and Cain have been invited to one of his employee’s reunion party You have appropriate attire in the closet that you’ve had for about four years, but it’s still in style. You’ve worn it on a couple of occasions, but the group with whom you’ll be dining that evening probably never saw it. Cain, on the other hand, has seen it many times.

That morning you tell Cain that you have a hairdresser appointment in preparation for the event that evening. You even share your fears that you hope the stylist doesn’t cut your hair too short or give you goofy hair do that you will have to come home and restyle.

Amazingly, the hairdresser styles a smart hair do, exactly how you wanted it. You look in the mirror and feel not only pretty but glamerous. You are secretly hoping that Cain will tell you how pretty you look. When you walk into the living room in your older dress and  hip hair do, Cain says, “Oh, that’s a nice dress.” He has seen this dress for 4 years. He never mentions your hair or asks if you are pleased with it. You’re disappointed, but you buck up because you are the loving one, and if you act needy, he will either withdraw or ridicule you. You pretend that his compliment isn’t necessary. This is your ongoing life with Cain.

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