Understanding the self-absorbed, demeaning, manipulative, controlling, and competitive narcissist and how to stop being a do-gooder and losing yourself…aligned with the Biblical Cain and Abel story

Posts tagged ‘loving child’

Cainists Fear Being Seen

images (1)I recall several sermons at the cainistic church asking us if we had been seen by someone?  In other words, had anyone looked through our psychological defenses—which the cainist labeled games, jerkiness, costumes, personalities, or facades—and seen that we were more than our bad behavior? And were we capable of looking past a person’s jerkiness to see that everyone was a beautiful child of God at their core?

He talked about feeling unsafe when we were “called out” or seen by another child of God, and claimed that we didn’t want to be seen or live up to our potential. He said the moment we were “called out” it wasn’t so much fun to be the other person, that is, the nasty one. 

Those comments confused me.  I’m not trying to paint myself lily-white, but I find no joy in being nasty. I wanted to be seen as a loving child of God. I wanted to be seen as the person I really was. If we are beautiful children of God, why would we not want others to see our core essence? What was he talking about?

I was confused until I understood the differences between Cain and Enablers. Cain doesn’t want to be seen because he doesn’t want anyone to get close enough to see that he is a pathological liar and a fraud (how he acts every day). Cainists are preoccupied with hiding their flaws because they want to be seen as someone they are not.

In addition, if someone “calls them out” that implies they were imperfect on some level, and that simply can’t happen to Cain. He is perfect.  Everyone must believe that Cain is perfect. That’s why he will never offer a genuine apology. It would require him to say he was wrong, and Cain will never admit to being wrong.

Moreover, it feels unsafe for a cainist to be seen because that would mean he would need to change and take responsibility for his behavior. That will never happen.  Cainists manipulate, lie, taunt, and often feel gleeful about holding clout and misery over others. Any wonder it would feel unsafe to be seen.

In the other direction, if he was seen as a beautiful child of God, he would have to change, give up his malicious, cruel power-hungry games of retribution and control. To be “called out” and seen as a child of God would mean his entire personality and the way he interacts in the world would need to change. He can’t change. He knows he can’t. So he is terrified of being seen. He doesn’t want others to catch on to to his cruelty , and he doesn’t want his feet held to the fire to act like the child of God he was designed to be.

Internally the cainist says:

“Don’t see me as a good person, an impeccable child of God, because I can’t live up to the standard. Nor do I want to.”

He is a mass of contradictions.  He says one thing and does another. He says one thing one day and the opposite the next day. And after you watch him repeat the same inconsistent behavior year after year, you realize there is no hope for change. You must release him and let him go. You can love someone from afar but it doesn’t mean you invite them over for Easter dinner. Or that you spend the rest of your life with someone who is incapable of being honest.

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